Some of those who have  been blog subscribers over the past 8 years  prob dont know about my relationship with God.  To many, this is the first time you'll hear about this and it probably surprises you.  The first thing you'll think is,"James is a Christian?"   Only a few people that know me are aware of the fact that  I'm a Christian. 

With that being said, I've come to realize that I need to kick start my  faith.  I have to live the way a Christian should live.  By that, I dont mean I will suddenly become a "Holy Roller".  I simply want to live the way God wants me too.  Quite honestly, I dont think my calling is to become a Missionary and call out his name at all ends of the Earth.  Maybe it is, and it's a very very noble cause and I commend those that do.  However right now, I'm struggling with my vertical relationship with God and I think that it's affecting my lateral relationship with others. 

It saddens me, but I'm thinking of going to a different Church.  NS has been a very important part of my life this past year, but I'm beginning to feel burned out there.  Lately I'm beginning to feel that I'm going simply out of an obligation rather than a true desire to get closer with God.  I blame nobody but myself for this.  I've tried serving the Church by helping out the Kids Ministry thinking that this is what God desires from me....but I still feel burned out.  I tried joining a Fellowship group (Small Group), and after a few months I didnt feel that I was fitting in.  Since then, and that was a year ago, my gf has encouraged me to try and try again with a different group.  I just never have.  I feel lost at Church, but I really really enjoy the sermons given by Pastor Adam.  He truly always says the right things, and that's one of the biggest struggles with leaving.  Lately, I've simply wanted to show up after Praise stops, and leave right after the message.  I feel horrible about it.  If I end up staying after Church, and try to speak with people, I simply feel like an outcast.  I usually dont have any discussions of  depth, and I end up listening to people talk about themselves and gossiping about other people as if it were HS.  I feel like the kid in HS that wasnt fitting into the clicks. 

I blame nobody but myself.  People outside of Church know me as a very easy and outgoing guy.  Yet when I step into the confines of Church, I dont say much of anything and become an introvert.  I hate feeling like this, and it's affecting my Christian faith, and my walk.  I'm sure people are thinking that I'm jsut being selfish.  Maybe I am, but I dont want to feel like this anymore.  God deserves more, the people close to me deserve more, and this isnt the way I should be feeling about Church.  I am beginning to lose sight of my Christian walk, and becoming too self serving.  I want to serve God again without being asked.  I dont want to serve in the Church just to say that I am serving, or out of self desire to fulfill some obligation. 

A year ago I accepted God once again, and my life  hasnt been the same.  He came to me after I was broken down.  I promised him I would never lose sight of what he did for me.  I havent, and I dont want to become the same person I was before coming back to the Lord.  I dont want to hang out at Church, and pretend to be a Christian.  The problem is, the more I stay, the more I begin to feel that I'm becoming the person that I promised God I no longer wanted to be.